Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
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Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
This checks out
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.