Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
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angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money