kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
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I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.