Kids, do not try this at home!
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My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
*orders delivery*
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.