Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.

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Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it


“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself


Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.


Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.


Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.


I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars


Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit


“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
u bought 100 eggs


[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]

Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened