@JasonBanksComic

Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.

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@KazHiraiCEO

Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it

@Amester222

“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself

@LurkAtHomeMom

Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.

@mommajessiec

Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.

@amyistrouble

Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.

@SortaBad

I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars

@hexprax

Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit

@egg_dog

“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs

@Holy_Mowgli

[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]

Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened