Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
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I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.