Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
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I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
ok like just. call me at this point
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…