“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
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You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️