Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
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Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Same pineapple, same
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.