“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
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when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Snapes on a plane.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.