@shadygrenade

“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*

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@mentalpause1

*bolts upright in bed..

If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?

@Seinfeld2000

7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content

-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter

@lmegordon

Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.

@Browtweaten

wife: I saw a baby on the way to work

me: how do you know?

wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?

me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?

wife: what

@netw3rk

so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it

@DadandBuried

“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”

Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.

@PoodleSnarf

Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?

Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?

@Cpin42

A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”

@OctopusCaveman

The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic

@neiltyson

To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.