*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
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Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.