Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
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I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.