kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
You Might Also Like
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
this is one of the funniest videos of all time