The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
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#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Where is your GOD now????
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.