@Y2SHAF
@_NinJar The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
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@_NinJar 
@robdelaney #SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
@Ivsy01 People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
@smerobin My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
@Reverend_Scott DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
@ArfMeasures “My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
@clindsaysway *gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
@slater_jona Where is your GOD now????
@frankzulla What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
@UrAvgDegenerate My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.