Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
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A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Brb my Sims are getting married
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?