kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
You Might Also Like
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
The glockness monster
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.