Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
You Might Also Like
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.