Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
You Might Also Like
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?