@junejuly12 Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
@zachary_lampley Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
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@junejuly12 
@LizHackett I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
@craiguito The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
@dafloydsta HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
@SomthinBoutSara I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
@IamEnidColeslaw who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
@brennadine I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
@LackOfShame [at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
@squirrel74wkgn (Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
@Fred_Delicious [goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”