@zachary_lampley

Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP

Me: I’m woke

Kids: How woke?

Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.

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@junejuly12

Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.

@LizHackett

I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”

@craiguito

The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief

@dafloydsta

HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.

*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*

ME: I also have big news.

@SomthinBoutSara

I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down

@IamEnidColeslaw

who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes

@brennadine

I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]

@LackOfShame

[at gym]

Him: How much do you bench?

Me: Way less than I couch.

@squirrel74wkgn

(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!

(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.

@Fred_Delicious

[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”