Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
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Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
*pronounces UPS like yoops