Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
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*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.