@emily_tweets

Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up

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@aveuaskew

I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?

@JohnLyonTweets

Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.

@electrolemon

To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names

@RunwayDan

Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.

@Cheeseboy22

Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.

@SerenityRising

“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders

@StinkyGr33n

I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm

@BlindChow

GOD: u wanna go back to earth?

JESUS: why

GOD: to absolve man of sin

JESUS: ehh

GOD: you’d get two birthdays

JESUS: let me get my coat