Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
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Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.