Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
You Might Also Like
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
good work, everybody
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness