Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
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One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
This anagram machine is out of order.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Mistakes were made
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’