Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
You Might Also Like
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Sex so good you see dead people.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on