Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
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I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Dishonest mechanic?
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?