Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
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A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?