“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
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My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
being a writer on Twitter:
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
When you kidnap a writer.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.