[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
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M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I donโt take you grocery shopping.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, Iโd use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
My bumper sticker says โMy kid is your honor studentโs drug dealer.โ
โmy intrusive thoughts wonโ all u did was eat a donut?? thatโs not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won iโd be on the news.
Iโm getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
I’m choking laughing omfg ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐
Never โboopโ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I donโt know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
How people walk when theyโre:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.