kids play hide and seek like
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Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound