(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
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Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.