@raoulvilla

Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink

You Might Also Like

@cashbonez

I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”

@Home_Halfway

A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.

@seamusmckracken

Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.

@Birdhumms

*At the checkout

Cashier: How many croissants?

M: Four

*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.

M: Um six

@TeaPartyCat

BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”

@envydatropic

I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me

@Lisa_Laughs_

I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.

@TheTweetOfGod

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.