*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
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They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Admin smashed it 😂
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
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