Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
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My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.