Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
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every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow