Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
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Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Just how popey was the pope today?
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.