Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
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Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer