kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
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8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*