Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
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favorite tropes as memes
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.