Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
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Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins