Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
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Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said