kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
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Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Still laughing at this stupid meme
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective