Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
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It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
New comic up. “Ransom”
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!