Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
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A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
went fishing caught a bass
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it