Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
You Might Also Like
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
is it earth