*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
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Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Don’t fuck with writers. We’ll describe you.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?