Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
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Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that