Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
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My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
felt that
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
there’s probably a fee though
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]