Kids today have it easy!

In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.

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Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.


I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.


“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”

Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.


Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.


I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.


Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once

Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one

Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested


“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”

– my 2 year old


Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.