Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
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A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.