@KwenaFarms Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
@UncleDuke1969 Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
You Might Also Like
@KwenaFarms 
@charliegirl0527 
@Marlebean I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
@OddlyDank “Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
@TheBoydP Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
@WendyLiebman I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
@Thateverydayguy Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
@PoodleSnarf Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
@Brianhopecomedy “Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
@UncleDuke1969 Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.