Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
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Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
my one true gender
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Breaking news:
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.