Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
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I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
The 6 types of sex
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.