Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
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[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
That’s it.I’m out.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”