Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
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Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.