Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
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Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
DOOO EEEET
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.