Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
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PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan