Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.

Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.

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Warden: Have you completed your analysis?

Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL

Warden: I’m not paying you


“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”

“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”


yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter


This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.


The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen


My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh


If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.


to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other


If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.